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August 21, 2012

an enemy called identity

Yesterday, after a very hot afternoon I decided to go outside and water the garden. Like most people, I used to love jumping through the sprinklers and play water games on those long summer days. The feeling of cold water cooling your body is probably one of the best associated with childhood. And so I took the hose and watered the dry, thirsty plants and trees. While doing so, you feel like you have an infinite power…like you’re God and have control over this tiny patch of nature called your garden.
Funny thing is, I told my fiancée about that strange experience and, once I was lying in bed, I could hear a strong wind rushing through the open windows. A flashing light entered the room and a roaring sound could be heard far away. However, in what seemed like a very short time, the powerful thunder and lightning and hard rain and strong winds were right above the house. It then dawned on me that God decided to show me how one waters nature properly. And I could hear him say:
“Son, good try…but this is how it’s done!”
All of this really inspired what is written below…that we too often let our purpose be clouded by our struggle (and/or search for identity), when all we need to know is that we are God’s children. We may have a grand plan for the near future…just like my small, simple plan was to water the garden, assuming and speculating that it was going to stay hot and dry all night. But out of nowhere, a storm may arrive and you will have to adapt to those new circumstances. More than often it’s a sobering thought that we are not really in control of our lives. And to trust is something we cannot and don’t always want to do.
***
an enemy called identity

stepping out of the house from my childhood
a scent of freshly washed nature hits my nose
reminding me of the many times I smelled a new morning
with a new face
with new thoughts, ideas, hopes and dreams.

as I climb into the car
there is a passenger joining me
a faceless figure without voice
who just stares at me
and the person I have become.

without judgment in those blurry eyes
i feel his presence close to me
and a telepathic communication ensues
where neither of us speak
only silence pervades the space between us

we are one
and yet not the same.

without realizing it
the figure tries to force me out of the car
to push me off the road on which I’m travelling
he is angry for no reason
and it consumes his every pore
like humid, sweltering heat
drawing out the sweat
he cannot shake off the pain and hurt
that is tightly stuck on him.

resistance is the only way to stay in control
or so it seems
and so I push back
using force against force
and we are caught up
in a deadlock of confusion

who is who

am I him
or is he me

and the truth is we don’t know
but we are just focusing on each other
and the things we hate
the things that make us fight

and I can only see how the car is driving towards a cliff
or, more realistically, into oncoming traffic
my hands are off the steering wheel
both of us start to look ahead
and we anticipate the crashing together of metal.

but the cars move out the way and let me pass through
against all belief
the fighting has stopped
i am holding on to the steering wheel
wanting control
i look to my side
trying to identify the figure in the passenger seat
where did he come from and why is he still here
it suddenly occurs to me
that he is an enemy
and distracting me from driving in the right direction

an enemy called identity
who messes with my brain
incepting my dreams
altering the understanding of who I am
who I have become.

a soft voice enters my heart
telling me to let go
to let myself fall out of this car headed for
an unknown destination
a place far away in the past
where nothing grows
a desert without provision
a sea without a breeze.

with one last glance at my foe
i open the door
lean over the side
dropping down towards the moving ground
in a flash my body spins, tumbles and rolls
through a poppy field in bloom
i watch how my car drives off into the distance
my soul waves goodbye
to a part of me that will keep coming back
to check whether I know and remember
that someone greater now holds his hand over me
protects me from the storm.

1 comment:

Unknown said...

powerful and moving. many are able to relate to this! it makes one think, who exactly is in the driver's seat of their lives??